The Greatest Place on Earth

This weekend saw the ATP (all tomorrows parties....NOT adenisinetriphosphate....cos I know thats what ye were all thinking) invade Butlins in Minehead England. And it were great. Take it from me, I was there. And am still recovering. Unlike your traditional music festival, the fans picked the bands and providing they were available,they played. Also it was set on a family orientated holiday park, not the normal damp field. And this is what made it really REALLY special.....shower and bed. On a mattress. At least 2 feet off the ground and not in a puddle of rain water. And no one stepped on your head, even by accident.

And I feel that I, Tonto should share with you some of my experiences. If only to make Juanine(even though she be in Russia) a little bit much jealous

We were dubbed the Lost Soulers which was a more apt name for the return journeyers. We left Dublin at 930am Friday. Arrived Bristol bout 1045. Hopped on a bus organised for us Lost Soulers by Daddy Darren.

The journey was long and Cointreau fueled. We needed to pee bad but no one dared used to chemical toilet (except me when everyone else was off the bus).

Butlins was a rather large place but they provided us with a map and a train.

Unfortunately, the doors wouldn't open til 4 and the bar was only around the corner so we hopped off and dashed round the corner.

Like in Bruges, the pints in Butlins were HUGE!!! After 2 of them it was 4o'clock and we could go find our chalet, 101 Barracuda Place Oyster Bay. The train had since departed and so we had to walk.....

and got lost. Lovepanda was on hand to point us in the right direction.

There were loads of famous people knocking about. Including Vicki Pollard, pretending to be a security guard!

And one of the guys from the 11811 ads!!! Jean LOVES those ads!

This is one of the very bands I did see but for the life of me I cannot remember who it is. I must've liked.....

However some people were none too impressed.

We made quite a few new friends. Meet Pingo....a very distant very cheap realtion of Pingu. Him and Jean met as she wandered around lost trying to find her way home.

But things quickly soured when he made a comment, a not very nice comment about Orkevil River. Something about them being crap. I can't quite remember. Anyways....don't slag Orkkevril(?) River.

Another great band which I can remember( I am now thinking that the last photo was Yo la Tengo) was Les Savy Fav. The guy is nuts. He was zooming round that stage so fast, which is why the photo is so blurry....and i think he may have been in the crowd or in camoglage. He was an indian, then a viking, then black, then a cow, then robbed a t shirt off some guy then I don't know then himself. And it all started with a haircut.

Like I mentioned there were loads of things to do at ATP, besides the music, like swimming (which is fantastic for hangovers) and bowling ( apparently you have to aim for the arrows but I couldn't see them). Our favourite pastime was trying to win teddies on that grabber maching. And we were pretty dam good!

Between us we had one the cast of Spongebob at least twice over (between 4 of us trying) with some casualties along the way. They were quite the rowdy bunch!! I did make it home with 2 Sandy's and a Squidworth.

But like any kind of gambling, we got hooked, spending more than we earned on the grabber machines.

Jean disappeared for about 3 hours at one stage and when I found her was grasping her winnings, hugging them like children, growlin when I came near. We had a problem and fell to our knees crying.

We saw the Butlins counsellor who recommended a trip to the shop where we picked up a spiffy Butlins raincoat and some walkie talkies.

The walkie talkie did though have some practical use. Phones were bad. Real bad. And then when they got good the credit was gone. All gone. So walkie talkies were the way forward we reckoned.

The walkie talkies were great fun, useless but alas short lived. Greg tried to ring home at half six one morning and was concequently fund with his pants round his ankles in someone chalet. He is now known as Poopis O'brien and did not have Jeans walkie talkie at the time but we are still going to blame him for its loss. And not Jean.

When the music ended on night 2 we went to the Lost Soulers favourite pub....CRAZY HORSE, where things inevitably got a little CRAZY.....some examples...

Britney Spear impressions....

crazy patrick st patrick

Crazy dancing

boozing...

And it wouldn't be a trip to England with a reminder of what exactly our feelings are towards the Engerlish. All of this and more resulted in this...

and this....
until this.....

Modest MOuse!!!! Tontos personal favourite band EVER!! And while i didn't get to meet them...and probably wouldn't go omeet them cos they look a bit grumpy (in need of a hug and a herbal tea kinda grumpy....maybe I could do that for them?), I did find out what they like to eat, and maybe also how they got sooooo good....THEY EAT GUITAR!! Note to all budding musicians, start eatng your guitars!!

And after them I don't know cos they were all that mattered on the Sunday. And also having stayed up til 9 the previous morning I was pretty wrecked :( I did see Daniel Johnson again, went swimming, Why? more slots....then bed at a reasonable hour. CALL ME WHAT YOU WILL! Roll on December!!

National News at Twelvty for Drunkendancestan

Robbery attempt made on El Presidente VisiVest





At the annual celebration of at the Minister for the Interior and stuffs birthday, an attempt was made by other members of the cabinet to rob and potentially destroy the Visivest of El Presidente herself. The attemptor, pictured here minus his beard, was none other than the General. He, late last year with the aid of the Court Jester, was convicted of treason when he tried to stage a coup for the power of Drunkendancestan.

He has denied even ever seeing the Visivest. But was witnessed by several members of the State trying to escape with it but explained he was merely "warming it up" for El Presidente.

Look how the Court Jester tries to shield his parner in crime as the General tries to escape with the visivest.
Both of them of course forgot that Visivests are meant to be seen. Ever diligent Perrine, a new recruit of the state, alerted authorities just in time.

The General pleaded guilty but very drunk and so charges were dropped by El Presidente in the name of Drunkness and Dancing.

Juanine gets a new hair do....

...but doesn't like it very much.

Minister for the Interior, Tonto, is always trying to encourage citizens to try new skills. So she put her money where her mouth is this week and tried her hand at hairdressing. Having successfully coloured washed and blowdried Mehican ambassador, Juanine's, hair, she proceeded to upstyle it, in 2 French Plaits. (It should be noted that Juanine pulled the shortest straw)

First one side. Notice the shine.

Juanine was not convinced of the obvious skills of the minister.

The end result. The Minister is pleased at herself and can tick another thing off the list of things shes good at.

I'm Coming Out!...

We all have our little secrets that we like to keep to ourselves, but sometimes the secret gets out....It could be from the little things we think no one notices, but believe me, sometimes they're just too big to hide anymore.

And so it was with the drunkendancistanian that some of us like to call Master.....I was shocked when I first found out - I'm sure you will be too - but thinking back on it now, the sparkley boots should have given it away...

He fought so hard to keep it hidden, dedicating himself to a life of martial arts and becoming the BEST Ninja there could ever be, but alas, he could deny it no more...

It turns out the Master is no LADIES man, and now he even wears PINK!....

What they might have been!!??

Believe it or not the most premier of citizens of Drunkendancesstan were not always the most premier of citizens in Drunkendancesstan. Oh no. They were commoners like everyone else before the birth of this great nation.

Juanine started out as a chaffeur. But a passenger recognised the potential in the opioniated and angry Juanine and recruited her as a ninja. Which is where she met Tonto.

Tonto had not always been a ninja. She was also recruited by the same mysterious man!! He had spotted her singing in a dirty watering hole just off the canal. Her stage name was Crystal and it was her magical voice and sailor mouth that caught her eye.

It was in this same place that Tonto met Simon and the General. Both of them were there to pay their way through soldier school.They were called Gemini and were generally put on stage when the bar needed to be cleared at the end of the night.

The General also had a stint as a prize fighter. But he wasn't really any good. It was here that the General met El Presidente a fellow prize fighter. But she didnt last long. She retired soon after a humiliating defeat at the hands of Spongebob Squarepants. It was at this fight that El Presidente met Juanine...who being the juan of all trades that she is...was tryin her hand at paramedics.

And who was this mysterious ninja? Juanine and Tonto only knew him as Master. They did get a super ninja secret icture of him.

Over the years they all kept in touch. And as they say the rest is history. VIVE LA DRUNKENDANCESSTAN!!!!

An Important message from the Minister of the Interior and stuff

After a night of dancing and drinking, you may fell a bit amourous towards a certain person who has caught your eye across the bar, and whose eye you have caught with you're super col dancing stylee. And you may decide to go over and talk to this person. You may even decide to kiss this person. You may, but don't tell your mother, even invite this person back to your bedroom for some swiswoo and the like.

Well stop and think. Think contraception.



Or you might end up with a little surprise. We have had reports of increased cases of Syphilis.


He was spotted in a couple of pubs often frequented by citizens of Drunkendancestan. The Minister found it lurking in the toilets and decided to share it with the General. As a punishment for his attempted coup to take over Drunkendancesstan from El Presidente. It was thought it would slow him down a bit.


The General cottoned on to the Minister attempts and passed Syphilis onto the Spa King, who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But the Minister for the Interior and Stuff was on hand to stop it and went about telling him all about Syphilis and herpes and chlamydia and gonorrhea and genital warts. Which has now put him and all those around who happened to be within earshot, off girls and stuff for life. Or just the night.


Well prevention is better than cure. Think Contraception.

Fri-beer-birth-beard-booked-day!

Friday 1st December is a National Drunkendancistan holiday. It is the day we celebrate many things (we are nothing if not efficent drinkers and dancers). It is the anniversary date of the day when our illustrious leader returned to alcohol, to be forever more celebrated by all of humankind!

I give you BEER. This is El Presidentes first sip of Guinness in a MONTH:



It is also, coincidentally, the day we celebrate the birth of Judge Ultimo the First, our slightly biased silly contest decider. Some people know her as Sinéad, some as Little Miss Punchalot. She is excellent at avoiding cameras, but here she is anyways! Drinking what is one of the staples in the diet of any true Citizen, Corona with Lime.



There is a lot of respect in Drunkendancistan for beards, so we threw that into the mix. Here the General turns towards St. James Gate in prayer. God Bless Arthur.



It is also a massive celebration because it is in the same week that the Ambassador for Mehico and the Gossiping Gypsy bought their tickets to leave Drunkendancistan to travel on an epic trip around the world. In some ways it's a missionary expedition, as they will be spreading the good word of Drunkendancistan far and wide. Although knowing both of them, there won't be anything truly missionary about it in a puritan sense. The harlots. Here they are rocking out hardcore style in celebration! Although technically it looks like Jeannine is raving...




In this photo a certain Lady Sandra of Worthington Woods shows how to start a night out. Giving thanks to the Lord of Alcohol! THANK YOU BABY ARTHUR THANK YOU is what she cried out.



The ever elusive Mary Bo-peep turned up to show us some sweet dance moves. I was trying to learn that B-52 song, TAKE A STEP TO THE LEFT AND THEN A JUMP TO THE RIGHT et cetera. I tried to add a few SPECIAL PULP FICTION moves in and it was not appreciated oh no not one bit. I was nearly murdered for "tainting the dance". :-(



Now we come to the Dark Ones. The Wicked Witch of the Forest and the Shadowlord of the Shadows. Also known as Roisin and Orla(gh?). These guys are super evil even though they dance like there is no tomorrow. They are also El Presidentes bodyguards of doom, so do not trifle with them!

Here the The Wicked Witch tells me exactly what she thinks of me... :-(



And here the Shadowlord just appeared beside me, with a smile on her face and a knife in my ribs, because I gave El Presidente a dirty look! WATCH OUT WORLD.



The Minister of the Interior and Stuff was on a fact finding mission for some of the night with a whole laboratory in her pursuit of fun. When she turned up, though, she wasted no time at all in taking to the dance floor with Red Panda! Red Panda is like a power-up for the Minister I think. Here she was dancing SO FAST that I couldn't take a normal photo! WHOOOOOOSH it was like.



Things started to go crazy then. Red Panda started to thieve drinks. El Presidente was "seeing UFOs indoors". (She was drinking water at this point guys).





It was at then, just when the night was spiralling out of control, that El Presidente's security team stepped in. My camera was confiscated for the rest of the night :-(
I know I'm the General you guys, but I had left my crack Rangers unit at home and had no weapons. And there was NO WAY I would have won a dance-off... Or not even a drink-off. I HAD NO CHOICE! I did get this last photo of The Wicked Witch "asking" me for the camera...



All in all it was a great night I think. Yes. A great great night!

Happy belated Fri-beer-birth-beard-booked-day!